Genesis 16

¹ Sarai, Abram’s wife, had never had any kids. But she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar,

² so she said to Abram, “God hasn’t let me have any kids. Go bang my slave; maybe I can use her to build a family.”

Abram thought that sounded like a good idea.
³ So after about ten years living in Canaan, Sarai gave her slave Hagar to her husband to be his second wife.
⁴ He boned Hagar, and she got pregnant. Once she figured out she was pregnant, she began to hate Sarai.
⁵ Then Sarai told Abram, “It’s your fault I’m having to put up with so much shit. I gave you my slave to have sex with, and now that she knows she’s pregnant, she’s all pissed off at me. God will need to settle this between us.”
⁶ “She’s still your slave,” Abram said. “Do whatever you want with her.” Then Sarai was so shitty to Hagar that Hagar ran away.
⁷ One of God’s angels found her near a spring in the desert on the road to Shur.
⁸ And he was like, “You’re Hagar, Sarai’s slave; where did you come from, and where are you going?”
“I’m running away from my bitch of a mistress,” she said.
⁹ The angel told her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to her.”
¹⁰ The angel added, “I’ll make sure you have more descendants than you can count.”
¹¹ Finally, he said, “You’re pregnant now, and you’re gonna have a son. Make sure to name him Ishmael (“God hears”), cuz God’s heard how miserable you are.

¹² Your son will be like a wild donkey, being all aggressive toward everyone like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, and everyone will be against him, and he’ll live apart from all his relatives in hostility.”

¹³ From then on, Hagar called God “The God who sees me,” and she was all, “I have now seen the one who sees me.”

¹⁴ This is why the well she met the angel at was called Beer Lahai Roi (which means “Well of the Living One who sees me”). It’s still there, between Kadesh and Bered.

¹⁵ So Hagar had a son with Abram, and Abram named him Ishmael.
¹⁶ Abram was eighty-six years old when Ishmael was born.