Genesis 17

¹ When Abram was ninety-nine, God showed up and said to him, “I’m God. If you serve me faithfully, you’ll never be held accountable for anything.

² I’ll make a pact with you and you’ll have tons of offspring.”

³ Abram fell on his face, and God was like,
⁴ “Here’s the deal: You’ll be the father of many nations.
⁵ That means we’re also gonna change your name from “exalted father” to “father of many” (Abram to Abraham).
⁶ I’ll make your boys champion swimmers; a whole mess of nations’ll come right out of your loins – even kings!
⁷ I’ll make a deal right now with you and all your descendants to be your god and their god forever.
⁸ Even though you’re a foreigner in Canaan right now, I’ll give all of it to you and your descendants forever, and I’ll be their God.”
⁹ Then he said, “As for you, you need to make sure you and your descendants keep your end of the bargain.
¹⁰ And here it is: all the males in your family line have to cut your foreskins off.
¹¹ Cut off your foreskin, and it’ll seal the deal.
¹² All future generations need to do this too. Whenever a boy in your household is eight days old, cut the skin off the end of his dick. This isn’t just for your family; it totally goes for any kids you buy, too – even foreigners.
¹³ I’m serious. Whether they’re related to you or you bought them, they need to have the skin on the end of their penis removed. You’ll literally be carving a reminder of our deal onto your bodies.
¹⁴ Any dude who keeps his foreskin will be an outcast; he broke the deal.”
¹⁵ Then God said, “As for your wife, don’t call her Sarai anymore; her name is Sarah now.
¹⁶ I’ll make sure she gives you a son. I will bless her so her offspring found a bunch of different nations; some of her descendants will even be kings.”
¹⁷ Abraham fell on his face again; he laughed and was all, “I’m gonna have a son at a hundred years old? And how the hell will Sarah have a kid when she’s ninety?”
¹⁸ And then he said to God, “Wouldn’t it be great if you decided to bless my son Ishmael like this?”
¹⁹ Then God said, “Yeah yeah, but seriously Sarah’s going to have a son, and you need to name him Isaac (“he laughs”). I’ll make this deal I was telling you about with him and all his descendants.
²⁰ And okay, I heard you about Ishmael: I’ll bless him too, I guess; I’ll give him good swimmers too and he’ll have a big family like you. He’ll be the father of twelve rulers, and I’ll make him into a great nation.
²¹ But this deal is totally for Isaac, who’ll be born through Sarah by this time next year.”
²² When he was done talking to Abraham, God took off.
²³ Later that day, Abraham took Ishmael and all the boys and men in his household (including ones he’d purchased), and cut their foreskins off just like God told him.
²⁴ Abraham was ninety-nine years old when the end of his dick had the skin cut off,
²⁵ and Ishmael was thirteen.
²⁶ They both had their foreskins cut off that day.
²⁷ And every male in Abraham’s household, whether born or bought, had their foreskins cut off too.