Genesis 22

1 Later on, God fucked with Abraham to see just how much he would do if God told him to. He was all, “Yo, Abraham!”
“Here I am,” said Abe.
2 Then God was like, “I want you to take Isaac – you know, your only son, ‘cuz I know you love him – and go to the region of Moriah. Then I want you to kill him and burn his body for me on a mountain. I’ll show you where.”
3 So early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey, because he was all perfectly okay with this. He took along two of his servants as well as Isaac. He made sure to chop enough wood to burn his son’s body properly, and then he set out for the place God had told him about.
4 After three days, Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance.
5 He told his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while Isaac and I go over there. We’ll pray for a while and then come back.”
6 Abraham took the wood to burn Isaac and made Isaac carry it, while he brought along the fire and the murder knife. As they were walking,
7 Isaac turned to Abraham. “Hey, Dad?”
“Yeah, son?”
“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”
8 Abraham just said, “God is going to give us a lamb to burn for him; don’t worry about it.” And the two of them kept walking.
9 When they finally got to the place God told him about, Abraham built an altar set up the wood on it. Then he tied Isaac up and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood.
10 Then he pulled out his knife to murder his son.
11 But just then, God had an angel yell down, “Hey, Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” said Abe, presumably still holding the knife over his son.
12 “Don’t touch Isaac,” the angel said. “Don’t do anything to him. Now I know you’re so afraid of God you’ll do literally anything I say, because you were seriously going to murder your son just now.”
13 Abraham looked up saw a ram stuck in a thicket. He went over and killed it, then burned it for God instead of his son.
14 So Abraham decided the call the place Yahweh-Yireh, which means “God will provide”. They even made a proverb out of it: “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”
15 Then God’s angel called down to Abraham again.
16 It said, “’I swear to me,’ says God, ‘because you were totally gonna kill your son for me,
17 I’m gonna bless you and make sure you have as many descendants as there are stars in the sky and grains of sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take their enemies’ cities,
18 and through your them every nation on earth will be blessed, because you did what I told you.’”
19 Then Abraham went back to his servants, and they set off together for Beersheba. And Abraham stayed in Beersheba.
20 Some time later, Abraham was told, “Some chick named Milkah had some kids with your brother Nahor. Eight sons, in fact:
21 Uz is the oldest, then Buz, then Kemuel (he has a son named Aram),
22 Kesed is next, then Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph and Bethuel.”
23 Bethuel later had a daughter named Rebekah. These were the eight sons of Milkah and Nahor.
24 Nahor’s concubine, Reumah, also had sons: Tebah, Gaham, Tahash and Maakah.

Genesis 21

¹ God kept his word to Sarah and did what he said he was gonna do.

² Sarah got knocked up gave Abraham a son in his old age, just like God had promised him.

³ Abraham named the kid Isaac (“he laughs”).

⁴ When Isaac was eight days old, Abraham cut his foreskin off like God told him to.

⁵ Abraham was a hundred years old Isaac was born.

⁶ Sarah was all, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.”

⁷ Then she said, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet here we are all old and I’ve given him a son.”

⁸ Isaac grew and was weaned, and on that day Abraham threw a big feast.

⁹ But Sarah saw Hagar’s son (remember, the Egyptian?) laughing and making fun of Isaac,

¹⁰ so she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son; that woman’s son will never get to share Isaac’s inheritance.”

¹¹ Abraham was pretty upset about this because Ishmael was his son too.

¹² But God told him, “Don’t get all worked up over the boy and your slave woman. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because your family line will be traced through Isaac.

¹³ I’ll make the slave’s kid’s family into a nation too, because he’s also yours.”

¹⁴ Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and gave them to Hagar. He put them on her shoulders and then sent her and Ishmael away. She left and wandered in the Desert of Beersheba.

¹⁵ When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under a bush.

¹⁶ Then she went off and sat down about a hundred yards or so away. She was thinking, “I can’t watch my son die.” And she sat there, bawling her eyes out. He cried, too.

¹⁷ God heard the boy crying, an angel called to Hagar from heaven and said, “What is the matter, Hagar? Don’t worry; God heard the boy crying under that bush.

¹⁸ Lift him up and take him by the hand; I’ll make a great nation out of him.”

¹⁹ Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave Ishmael a drink.

²⁰ God stuck with the kid as he grew up. He lived in the desert and became an archer.

²¹ While he was living in the Desert of Paran, his mother got him a wife from Egypt.

²² Around that time Abimelek and his commander, Phicol, said to Abraham, “God clearly has your back in everything you do.

²³ Swear to me here before God that you won’t try to cheat me or my children and grandchildren. Show to me and this country - where you now reside as a foreigner, by the way - the same kindness I have shown to you.”

²⁴ Abraham said, “I swear it.”

²⁵ Then Abraham complained to Abimelek about a well that Abimelek’s servants had seized.

²⁶ But Abimelek was like, “I don’t know who did it. You didn’t say anything to me; this is the first I’m hearing about it.”

²⁷ So Abraham brought sheep and cattle and gave them to Abimelek, and they made a treaty.

²⁸ Abraham took out seven female lambs from the flock,

²⁹ and Abimelek was like, “What’s with the ewe lambs?”

³⁰ Abraham replied, “Take these seven lambs as proof that I dug this well.”

³¹ So that place was called Beersheba (a pun, meaning either “well of the seven” or “well of the oath”) because two men swore an oath  on seven lambs there.

³² After the treaty of Beersheba was finished, Abimelek and Phicol went to the land of the Philistines.

³³ Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beersheba, and from there he called out to God.

³⁴ And Abraham stayed in the land of the Philistines for a long time.

Genesis 20

¹ After all that, Abraham moved south into the Negev region, and and lived between Kadesh and Shur. For a while he stayed in Gerar,

² and while he was there he pulled the whole “Sarah’s not my wife, she’s my sister,” thing again. Then King Abimelek of Gerar sent some men to bring Sarah to him.

³ But God showed up in Abimelek’s dreams one night and said, “You’re a dead man walking,  because that chick you just took is already married.”
⁴ Abimelek hadn’t slept with her yet though, so he said, “God, will you destroy an innocent nation?
⁵ Didn’t that guy say, ‘Dude, she’s my sister,’ and didn’t she say, ‘Yeah, he’s my brother’? My hands are clean, and my conscience is totally clear right now.”
⁶ Then God said (still in the dream), “Yeah, I know that. That’s why I didn’t let you touch her; I was keeping you from sinning.”
⁷ Now give the man his wife back. He’s a prophet, and he’ll pray for you and you’ll live. But if you don’t give her back, you and all your people are gonna die.”
⁸ Early the next morning Abimelek called in all his officials, and when he told them everything that was going on, they freaked out a little.
⁹ Then Abimelek called Abraham in and said, “What the hell have you done to us? What did I ever do to you that would make you put me and my kingdom into this position? The shit you’ve done to me should never be done to anyone ever.”
¹⁰ And then he asked, “Why did you do it?”
¹¹ Abraham replied, “Well, I thought to myself, ‘These people are probably all godless barbarians, and they’ll kill me to steal my wife.’
¹² Besides, she really is my sister, kind of; we have the same father but the same mother, so I married her.
¹³ And when God told me to leave my father’s household, I said to her, ‘If you wanna show me you love me, tell everyone wherever we go that I’m your brother.’”
¹⁴ Then Abimelek brought sheep and cows and male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, and gave him back his wife.
¹⁵ And Abimelek was all, “My whole country is open to you; pick any spot you like and you can live there.”
¹⁶ Then he turned to Sarah and said, “I gave your brother 25 kilos of silver. That’s just to make sure there’s no hard feelings, and that everyone knows your reputation is clean.”
¹⁷ Then Abraham prayed to God, who healed Abimelek, his wife, and his female slaves so they could have children again.
¹⁸ See, God had kept all the women in Abimelek’s household from getting pregnant as long as Sarah was there.

Genesis 19

¹ Those other two guys (who were angels) arrived at Sodom in the evening. Lot was sitting at the city gate, and when he saw them, he got up to meet them and then bowed all the way to the ground.

² “My lords,” he said, “please come to my house; I’m at your service. You can wash your feet and spend the night and then go about your business early in the morning.”

“No,” they said, “we ‘re gonna sleep out in the square.”

³ Lot wouldn’t let it go however, and in the end they agreed to go to his house. He made them some dinner, including bread with no yeast, and they ate.

⁴ Before they went to bed, every man from the entire freaking city of Sodom —both young and old — surrounded the house.

⁵ They yelled in to Lot, “Where are the dudes you’ve got staying with you? Bring them out here so we can have sex with them!”

⁶ Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him.

⁷ He was all, “Come on guys, don’t do that; that’s just wrong.

⁸ Check it out, all right? I’ve got two virgin daughters in here. How’s about I bring them out here and you can do whatever you want to them? But seriously, don’t do anything to these men; they’re my guests and they’re under my protection.”

⁹ “Get out of our way,” they replied. “You believe this guy? He’s not even from here and he thinks he can tell us what to do! Now you’ll get it even worse than those other two.” They closed in on Lot and went to break down his door.

¹⁰ Just then, the angels reached out and pulled Lot back into the house and locked the door.

¹¹ Then they blinded all the men (young and old) outside, who were then just kind of stumbing around trying to find the door.

¹² The angels said to Lot, “If you’ve got any other family around here – sons, daughters, sons-in-law, whatever – get ‘em the hell out,

¹³ because we’re going to destroy the shit out of this place. Everyone keeps telling God what a horrible shithole this is that he sent us to burn it down.”

¹⁴ So Lot went and talked to his future sons-in-law. He was like, “Hurry up and get out of here, because God’s about to blow this whole place up!” But his sons-in-law thought he was just screwing with them.

¹⁵ Next morning at dawn, went to Lot and said, “Hurry up! Take wife and daughters and get the hell out, or you’ll be wiped out with everyone else in the city.”

¹⁶ When he hesitated, the angels grabbed him by the hand, and his wife and daughters too, and pulled them out of the city, since God had a soft spot for them.

¹⁷ As soon as they were out, one of angels said, “Run for your lives! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Run into the mountains or you’ll be swept away!”

¹⁸ But Lot was all, “No, God, please!

¹⁹ You’re totally doing me a solid by sparing my life here, and I’m seriously grateful. But I can’t go all the way to the mountains; this disaster will catch up with me, and I’ll die.

²⁰ Look, there’s a little town close by. Can I please go there instead? See how small it is? I should be okay there, right?”

²¹ God said, “Okay fine, you win; I won’t destroy that little town.

²² But hurry up and get over there, because I can’t do anything until you’re safe in there.” (FYI, this is why the town is called Zoar, which means “small”.)

²³ By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun was up.

²⁴ Then God rained down fire and burning sulfur from the sky onto Sodom and Gomorrah.

²⁵ He completely destroyed them, along with all the other towns and villages on the plain, killing everyone who lived there and all the plant life, too.

²⁶ But Lot’s wife turned around to see what was going on, and she turned into a pillar of salt.

²⁷ Early next morning Abraham got up and went back to the place where talked to God the other day.

²⁸ He looked down toward the plain of Sodom and Gomorrah, and he saw huge clouds of smoke rising from the land, like from a furnace.

²⁹ When God destroyed the cities of the plain, he remembered talking to Abraham, which is why Lot and his family were allowed to leave safely.

³⁰ Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and went to live in the mountains, since he was afraid to stay in Zoar. They moved into a cave.

³¹ One day the older daughter said to her sister, “Dad’s getting old, and there aren’t any men around here to knock us up like there is everywhere else.

³² Let’s get dad sauced on wine and then sleep with him so we can keep our family going.”

³³ That night they kept giving him wine, and the older daughter went in boned him. He was so drunk he had no idea what was going on the entire time.

³⁴ The next day the older daughter said to her sister, “Last night I had sex with Dad. Let’s get get him drunk again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him, and we’ll preserve the family for sure.”

³⁵ So they got Lot drunk again, and the younger daughter went in and boned him. Like last time, he was so out of it he had no idea what was happening.

³⁶ So Lot got both of his daughters pregnant.

³⁷ The older daughter had a son named Moab (“from father”). The Moabites descend from him.

³⁸ The younger daughter had a son too, named Bene-Ammon (“son of my father’s people”); the Ammonites come from him.

Genesis 18

¹ One day, it was really hot and Abraham was sitting outside his tent near the great trees of Mamre when God showed up.

² Abraham looked up and saw three dudes standing around nearby. When he saw them, he ran over to meet them and bowed really low.

³ He said, “If you want, you can stay here for a while. I’m at your service.

⁴ Feel free to sit under this tree, and I’ll have some water brought over so you can wash your feet.

⁵ Let me get you something to eat too, so you can re-energize and go on your way. It’ll be my pleasure.”

“All right,” they said, “sounds good. Go ahead.”

⁶ So Abraham ran into his tent where Sarah was. “Quick,” he said, “get thirty-six pounds of the best flour we have and bake some bread.”

⁷ Then he ran out to his herd and picked out a choice, tender calf and gave it to a servant, who hurried to prepare it.

⁸ Finally he brought some curds and milk and the roasted calf and put them out for the three travelling guys. While they ate, he stood near them under a tree.

⁹ “Where is your wife Sarah?” they asked him.

“She’s in the tent,” he said.

¹⁰ Then one of the guys said, “I’ll be back this way around this time next year, and your wife will have a son.”

Sarah was eavesdropping on this conversation from the tent

¹¹ Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was way too old to have kids.

¹² She laughed to herself and thought, “How’s a worn-out old broad like me going to have a kid? Especially when my husband is so old, too?”

¹³ Then God said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh? Why was she all, ‘Can an old lady like me really have a baby?’

¹⁴ Is anything too hard for me? God? I’ll be back next year like I said, and Sarah will have a son.”

¹⁵ Sarah was scared, so she lied and said, “I didn’t laugh.”

But God was like, “You totally did.”

¹⁶ When the men got up to leave, they looked down toward Sodom, and Abraham walked along with them to see them off.

¹⁷ God was thinking, “I wonder if I should tell Abraham what I’m about to do?

¹⁸ I’m sure that Abraham’s family will become a great and powerful nation, and people all over the world will use his name to bless things.

¹⁹ I mean, I handpicked him after all, to follow my lead and do what’s right and just, and to make sure his children do too, so they’ll get what I promised them.”

²⁰ So God said to Abraham, “I’ve been hearing a lot of nasty shit from Sodom and Gomorrah. It sounds like they’re sinning their asses off.

²¹ I’m gonna go down there and see if it’s as bad as I’ve heard. If not, I’ll know.”

²² The other men turned and started walking toward Sodom, but God stayed with Abraham.

²³ Abraham went up to him and asked: “Will you wipe out the good people with the bad ones?

²⁴ What if there are fifty good people in the city? Will you really still destroy it? You wouldn’t spare the city for fifty good people?

²⁵ I mean, I’m sure you wouldn’t do that Killing them all would be treating good and evil people exactly the same. You wouldn’t do that! I can’t believe for a second that the judge of all Earth wouldn’t do what’s right.”

²⁶ God said, “If I find fifty good people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake.”

²⁷ Then Abraham spoke up again: “As long as I’m already speaking boldly, even though I am nothing but dust and ashes,

²⁸ what if there are fewer than fifty good people? Will you destroy the whole city for the lack of say, five people?”

“If I find forty-five,” said God, “I won’t destroy it.”

²⁹ Then Abraham asked, “What if you only find forty?”

God said, “For forty, I won’t do it.”

³⁰ Then Abraham said, “Okay, please don’t be mad, but hear me out. What if you only find thirty?”

God answered, “I won’t do it if I find thirty.”

³¹ Abraham said, “I know I’m pushing my luck here, but what if you only find twenty?”

God said, “For the sake of twenty good people, I won’t destroy the city.”

³² Then Abraham said, “Please, please don’t get mad, but lemme just say one more thing. What if you only find ten good people?”

God answered, “For the sake of ten, I won’t destroy it.”

³³ When God was done speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham went home.