Genesis 4

¹ Adam had sex with Eve, and she got pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With God’s help I’ve made a little man.”

² Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. Abel was a shepherd and Cain was a farmer.

³ After a while, Cain brought some fruits he grew and gave them to God.

⁴ Abel gave God a present too: the nice cuts from some of his lambs. God really liked Abel’s present,

⁵ but he didn’t like Cain’s very much. Cain got all pissed off, and his face was all scowly.

⁶ Then God said to Cain, “What crawled up your butt and died? What’s with the grumpy face?
⁷ If you do a good job, you’ll be accepted, right? But if you don’t do a good job, sin is waiting just outside your door; it wants to have you, but you need to make it your bitch.”
⁸ One day, Cain said to his brother, “Hey, let’s go out to the field.” While they were out there, Cain attacked Abel and killed him.
⁹ Later, God said to Cain, “Dude, where’s your brother?”
“I don’t know,” Cain said. “What am I, his babysitter?”
¹⁰ God said, “What the hell have you done? Listen! I can hear his blood crying to me from the ground.
¹¹ Now you’re cursed by the ground that soaked up your brother’s blood you spilled.
¹² No matter how hard you work, you’ll never get good crops from the ground ever again. You’ll have to be some kind of shiftless drifter and wander all over the world.”
¹³ Cain said to God, “That’s too much! I can’t take it!
¹⁴ You’re banishing me from my home and from you; I’ll be a homeless drifter forever, and anyone who meets me will kill me.”
¹⁵ But then God said, “Nuh-uh; anyone who kills you will get it seven times worse than you.” Then God put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him.
¹⁶ So Cain left the place where God was and lived in the wandering lands, east of Eden.
¹⁷ Cain had sex with his wife, and she got pregnant and had a kid named Enoch. Cain started building a city, and he named it Enoch, too.
¹⁸ Enoch had a kid named Irad, who had a kid named Mehujael, and Mehujael had a kid named Methushael, and Methushael had a kid named Lamech.
¹⁹ Lamech married two women, named Adah and Zillah.
²⁰ Adah had a kid named Jabal; his descendants live in tents and raise livestock.
²¹ His brother Jubal’s descendants play stringed instruments and pipes.
²² Zillah’s son, Tubal-Cain, made all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron. He had a sister named Naamah.
²³ Lamech said to his wives, “Hey, Adah and Zillah, check this out: I killed some dude for attacking me, and also some kid who hit me.

²⁴ If anyone who kills Cain is punished seven times over, then anyone who kills me should be punished seventy-seven times over. Ha!”

²⁵ Meanwhile, Adam had sex with his wife again, and she had a son and named him Seth. She was all, “God gave me a new baby to replace Abel, since Cain killed him.”

²⁶ Later, Seth had a son too, and named him Enosh. It was around that time when people started worshiping Yahweh (God) by name.

Genesis 3

¹ More so than any other animal, the snake was a crafty little fucker. He said to the woman, “Hey, did God seriously tell you guys not to eat any of the fruit on these trees?”

² She said, “We can eat whatever we want

³ But but God told us we’d die if we ate the fruit on the tree in the middle of the garden.”

⁴ The snake said, “That’s bullshit.

⁵ God knows that if you eat that stuff, you’ll know right from wrong and be just like him, and he doesn’t want that.”

⁶ When the woman saw that the tree was pretty and grew food and could make her smart, she took some fruit and ate it, and she gave some to her husband too.

⁷ Then they were enlightened or some shit, and suddenly felt like being naked was wrong; they covered themselves with leaves like in cartoons.

⁸ Then they heard God walking around talking to himself, and they hid in the trees.

⁹ God yelled out, “Dude, where are you?”

¹⁰ The man said, “I heard you coming and hid because I’m freaking naked.”

¹¹ God asked, “How did you find out you were naked? Did someone tell you? You ate the fruit from that tree I told you not to eat, didn’t you?”

¹² The man said, “That chick you made for me gave me some and I ate it.”

¹³ God said to the woman, “What the fuck did you do?”  and she answered, “That snake tricked me and I ate some.”

¹⁴ God said to the snake, “You’ll pay for that, you little shit. I curse you above every other animal, and you have to crawl around on your belly and eat dirt for the rest of your life.

 ¹⁵ And I’ll make sure you and she hate each other, and your descendants will hate each other too, and they’ll hit you on the head and you’ll bite their feet.”

 ¹⁶ To the woman he said, “I’m gonna give you labor pains that’ll make it hurt like hell when you give birth. Also, you’re gonna wanna bang your husband, and you’ll have to do whatever he tells you.”

¹⁷ To the man he said, “Since you listened to your wife and ate the fruit I told you not to eat, I’m cursing the ground because of you. You’ll have to work really hard to get food from it for the rest of your life.

¹⁸ It’ll grow thorns and thistles for you, and you’ll have to eat grains and plants and stuff.

⁹ You’ll sweat your ass off for food to eat until you go back in the ground, because you came from the ground; you’re made of dust and you’ll go back to being dust.”

²⁰ Then the man, who was named Adam I guess, named his wife Eve, because she’d become the mother of everyone alive.

²¹ God made the two of them some coats out skin to wear.

²² Then God said, “Check it out, now this dude’s like one of us cuz he knows good and evil and stuff. Shit, if he reaches out and eats from the tree of life, he’ll live forever!”

²³ So God kicked them out of Eden, where they’d have to work the land they were made out of.

²⁴ After they were gone, he sent some Cherubim to guard the east side of the garden, and put a flaming sword that spun around in midair in front of the tree of life.