Genesis 4

¹ Adam had sex with Eve, and she got pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With God’s help I’ve made a little man.”

² Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. Abel was a shepherd and Cain was a farmer.

³ After a while, Cain brought some fruits he grew and gave them to God.

⁴ Abel gave God a present too: the nice cuts from some of his lambs. God really liked Abel’s present,

⁵ but he didn’t like Cain’s very much. Cain got all pissed off, and his face was all scowly.

⁶ Then God said to Cain, “What crawled up your butt and died? What’s with the grumpy face?
⁷ If you do a good job, you’ll be accepted, right? But if you don’t do a good job, sin is waiting just outside your door; it wants to have you, but you need to make it your bitch.”
⁸ One day, Cain said to his brother, “Hey, let’s go out to the field.” While they were out there, Cain attacked Abel and killed him.
⁹ Later, God said to Cain, “Dude, where’s your brother?”
“I don’t know,” Cain said. “What am I, his babysitter?”
¹⁰ God said, “What the hell have you done? Listen! I can hear his blood crying to me from the ground.
¹¹ Now you’re cursed by the ground that soaked up your brother’s blood you spilled.
¹² No matter how hard you work, you’ll never get good crops from the ground ever again. You’ll have to be some kind of shiftless drifter and wander all over the world.”
¹³ Cain said to God, “That’s too much! I can’t take it!
¹⁴ You’re banishing me from my home and from you; I’ll be a homeless drifter forever, and anyone who meets me will kill me.”
¹⁵ But then God said, “Nuh-uh; anyone who kills you will get it seven times worse than you.” Then God put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him.
¹⁶ So Cain left the place where God was and lived in the wandering lands, east of Eden.
¹⁷ Cain had sex with his wife, and she got pregnant and had a kid named Enoch. Cain started building a city, and he named it Enoch, too.
¹⁸ Enoch had a kid named Irad, who had a kid named Mehujael, and Mehujael had a kid named Methushael, and Methushael had a kid named Lamech.
¹⁹ Lamech married two women, named Adah and Zillah.
²⁰ Adah had a kid named Jabal; his descendants live in tents and raise livestock.
²¹ His brother Jubal’s descendants play stringed instruments and pipes.
²² Zillah’s son, Tubal-Cain, made all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron. He had a sister named Naamah.
²³ Lamech said to his wives, “Hey, Adah and Zillah, check this out: I killed some dude for attacking me, and also some kid who hit me.

²⁴ If anyone who kills Cain is punished seven times over, then anyone who kills me should be punished seventy-seven times over. Ha!”

²⁵ Meanwhile, Adam had sex with his wife again, and she had a son and named him Seth. She was all, “God gave me a new baby to replace Abel, since Cain killed him.”

²⁶ Later, Seth had a son too, and named him Enosh. It was around that time when people started worshiping Yahweh (God) by name.