Genesis 5

¹ This is just a record of Adam’s family line. When God made people, he made them look like him.

² He made both dudes and chicks, and blessed them. He called them “humans”.

³ When Adam was 130, he had a kid named Seth, who looked just like him.
⁴ After Seth, Adam lived another 800 years and had some more kids (boys and girls).
⁵ When Adam was 930, he died.
⁶ When Seth was 105, he had a kid named Enosh.
⁷ After Enosh, Seth lived another 807 years and had some more kids.
⁸ When Seth was 912, he died.
⁹ When Enosh was 90, he had a kid named Kenan.
¹⁰ After Kenan, Enosh lived another 815 years and had some more kids.
¹¹ When Enosh was 905, he died.
¹² When Kenan was 70, he had a kid named Mahalalel.
¹³ After Mahalalel, Kenan lived another 840 years and had some more kids.
¹⁴ When Kenan was 910, he died.
¹⁵ When Mahalalel was 65, he had a kid named Jared.
¹⁶ After Jared, Mahalalel lived another 830 years and had some more kids.
¹⁷ When Mahalalel was 895, he died.
¹⁸ When Jared was 162, he had a kid named Enoch.
¹⁹ After Enoch, Jared lived another 800 years and had some more kids.
²⁰ When Jared was 962, he died.
²¹ When Enoch was 65, he had a kid named Methuselah.
²² After Methuselah, Enoch hung out with God for 300 years and had some more kids.
²³ Enoch lived to be 365.
²⁴ Enoch walked around with God; then one day he was just gone, because God took him away.
²⁵ When Methuselah was 187, he had a kid named Lamech.
²⁶ After Lamech, Methuselah lived another 782 years and had some more kids.
²⁷ Methuselah died when he was 969.
²⁸ When Lamech was 182, he had a son.
²⁹ He named the kid Noah and said, “This kid is gonna comfort us in all the work we have to do because of the ground God cursed.”
³⁰ After Noah, Lamech lived another 595 years and had some more kids.
³¹ Lamech died when he was 777.
³² After 500 years or so, Noah had three sons named Shem, Ham and Japheth.

Genesis 4

¹ Adam had sex with Eve, and she got pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With God’s help I’ve made a little man.”

² Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. Abel was a shepherd and Cain was a farmer.

³ After a while, Cain brought some fruits he grew and gave them to God.

⁴ Abel gave God a present too: the nice cuts from some of his lambs. God really liked Abel’s present,

⁵ but he didn’t like Cain’s very much. Cain got all pissed off, and his face was all scowly.

⁶ Then God said to Cain, “What crawled up your butt and died? What’s with the grumpy face?
⁷ If you do a good job, you’ll be accepted, right? But if you don’t do a good job, sin is waiting just outside your door; it wants to have you, but you need to make it your bitch.”
⁸ One day, Cain said to his brother, “Hey, let’s go out to the field.” While they were out there, Cain attacked Abel and killed him.
⁹ Later, God said to Cain, “Dude, where’s your brother?”
“I don’t know,” Cain said. “What am I, his babysitter?”
¹⁰ God said, “What the hell have you done? Listen! I can hear his blood crying to me from the ground.
¹¹ Now you’re cursed by the ground that soaked up your brother’s blood you spilled.
¹² No matter how hard you work, you’ll never get good crops from the ground ever again. You’ll have to be some kind of shiftless drifter and wander all over the world.”
¹³ Cain said to God, “That’s too much! I can’t take it!
¹⁴ You’re banishing me from my home and from you; I’ll be a homeless drifter forever, and anyone who meets me will kill me.”
¹⁵ But then God said, “Nuh-uh; anyone who kills you will get it seven times worse than you.” Then God put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him.
¹⁶ So Cain left the place where God was and lived in the wandering lands, east of Eden.
¹⁷ Cain had sex with his wife, and she got pregnant and had a kid named Enoch. Cain started building a city, and he named it Enoch, too.
¹⁸ Enoch had a kid named Irad, who had a kid named Mehujael, and Mehujael had a kid named Methushael, and Methushael had a kid named Lamech.
¹⁹ Lamech married two women, named Adah and Zillah.
²⁰ Adah had a kid named Jabal; his descendants live in tents and raise livestock.
²¹ His brother Jubal’s descendants play stringed instruments and pipes.
²² Zillah’s son, Tubal-Cain, made all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron. He had a sister named Naamah.
²³ Lamech said to his wives, “Hey, Adah and Zillah, check this out: I killed some dude for attacking me, and also some kid who hit me.

²⁴ If anyone who kills Cain is punished seven times over, then anyone who kills me should be punished seventy-seven times over. Ha!”

²⁵ Meanwhile, Adam had sex with his wife again, and she had a son and named him Seth. She was all, “God gave me a new baby to replace Abel, since Cain killed him.”

²⁶ Later, Seth had a son too, and named him Enosh. It was around that time when people started worshiping Yahweh (God) by name.

Genesis 3

¹ More so than any other animal, the snake was a crafty little fucker. He said to the woman, “Hey, did God seriously tell you guys not to eat any of the fruit on these trees?”

² She said, “We can eat whatever we want

³ But but God told us we’d die if we ate the fruit on the tree in the middle of the garden.”

⁴ The snake said, “That’s bullshit.

⁵ God knows that if you eat that stuff, you’ll know right from wrong and be just like him, and he doesn’t want that.”

⁶ When the woman saw that the tree was pretty and grew food and could make her smart, she took some fruit and ate it, and she gave some to her husband too.

⁷ Then they were enlightened or some shit, and suddenly felt like being naked was wrong; they covered themselves with leaves like in cartoons.

⁸ Then they heard God walking around talking to himself, and they hid in the trees.

⁹ God yelled out, “Dude, where are you?”

¹⁰ The man said, “I heard you coming and hid because I’m freaking naked.”

¹¹ God asked, “How did you find out you were naked? Did someone tell you? You ate the fruit from that tree I told you not to eat, didn’t you?”

¹² The man said, “That chick you made for me gave me some and I ate it.”

¹³ God said to the woman, “What the fuck did you do?”  and she answered, “That snake tricked me and I ate some.”

¹⁴ God said to the snake, “You’ll pay for that, you little shit. I curse you above every other animal, and you have to crawl around on your belly and eat dirt for the rest of your life.

 ¹⁵ And I’ll make sure you and she hate each other, and your descendants will hate each other too, and they’ll hit you on the head and you’ll bite their feet.”

 ¹⁶ To the woman he said, “I’m gonna give you labor pains that’ll make it hurt like hell when you give birth. Also, you’re gonna wanna bang your husband, and you’ll have to do whatever he tells you.”

¹⁷ To the man he said, “Since you listened to your wife and ate the fruit I told you not to eat, I’m cursing the ground because of you. You’ll have to work really hard to get food from it for the rest of your life.

¹⁸ It’ll grow thorns and thistles for you, and you’ll have to eat grains and plants and stuff.

⁹ You’ll sweat your ass off for food to eat until you go back in the ground, because you came from the ground; you’re made of dust and you’ll go back to being dust.”

²⁰ Then the man, who was named Adam I guess, named his wife Eve, because she’d become the mother of everyone alive.

²¹ God made the two of them some coats out skin to wear.

²² Then God said, “Check it out, now this dude’s like one of us cuz he knows good and evil and stuff. Shit, if he reaches out and eats from the tree of life, he’ll live forever!”

²³ So God kicked them out of Eden, where they’d have to work the land they were made out of.

²⁴ After they were gone, he sent some Cherubim to guard the east side of the garden, and put a flaming sword that spun around in midair in front of the tree of life.

Genesis 2

1 That’s how everything was made.  

2 On day seven God was finished, so He took a break.  

3 Because it was his day off, God decided to make the seventh day holy forever.  

4 This is totally what happened when everything was created. When God made the earth and the heavens -- 

5 and there weren’t any plants yet or even shrubs, since God hadn’t made rain yet and there weren’t any people to plow,  

6 but water shot out of the ground instead and got everywhere --  

7 God made a dude out of dirt and breathed life into his nose, and suddenly the guy was alive.  

8 He sent the guy to his garden in the East called Eden.  

9 God made all kinds of trees grow there—they were pretty and grew food. In the middle of the garden there was a tree of life, and a tree that would allow you to understand right and wrong.  

10 A river flowed out of the garden and split into four parts. 

11 The first is the Pishon; it goes through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold. 

12 (Gold is awesome; aromatic resin and onyx are also there.) 

13 The second river is the Gihon; it goes through the entire land of Cush.  

14 The third river is the Tigris; it runs along the east side of Asshur. And the fourth river is the Euphrates. 

15 God put the dude he made in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 

16 He said, "You can eat anything you want;  

17 except the fruit on the tree that would allow you to understand that disobeying me is wrong, because if you do you’ll die."  

18 Then God said, "Dude seems lonely. I’ll make something to help him out." 

19 God made a bunch of animals and birds and stuff. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever random gibberish popped out of the man’s mouth for each one, that was its name.  

20 So the man pulled names out of his ass for all the birds and animals. None of them were good for helping him, though. 

21 So God knocked the man out; and while he was sleeping, he yanked one of the man's ribs out and patched up the hole.  

22 Then God turned the rib into a chick, and he brought her to the man. 

23 The man said, "She’s made of the same stuff as me; I’ll call her a 'woman, ' since that’s somehow derivative of ‘man’ or whatever."  

24 This is why dudes leave their parents and join with their wives, or something.  

25 Both of them were buck-ass naked, and they saw nothing wrong with that.