Genesis 15

¹After all this, Abram heard God’s voice in a dream:

“Don’t freak out, Abram. I’ll protect you and shower you with riches.”

² But Abram was like, “God, what can you give me since I still don’t have any kids and that guy Eliezer of Damascus is set to get all of my stuff when I die?”

³  He was all, “You didn’t give me any kids, so I have to settle for one of my servants as my heir.”

⁴ Then God was like: “This dude’s not gonna be your heir; you’ll have a son who’ll be your heir.”
⁵ God took Abram outside and said, “Look up at the sky and try to count all the stars. That’s how many descendants you’re going to have.”
⁶ Abram believed God, so God figured he must be righteous.
⁷ Then God said, “I’m God. You know, the one who brought you out of Ur so I could give you all this land.”
⁸  Abram said, “But God, how can I know that I really will get it?”
⁹ So God said, “Go get me a heifer, a goat, and a ram. Make sure they’re each three years old. Also, bring a turtledove and a young pigeon.”
¹⁰ Abram brought him these animals, then killed them, then cut them in half, then put the halves side by side. He didn’t cut the birds, though.
¹¹ Some vultures and shit came down to eat the dead animals, but Abram chased them away.
¹² As the sun was setting, Abram conked out into a deep sleep, and a horrible darkness came over him.
¹³ Then God told him, “Just so you know: for four hundred years your descendants will be strangers in a foreign country, and they’ll be enslaved and treated like shit.
¹⁴ Don’t worry though; I’ll punish the whole nation that they’re slaves in, and afterward they’ll come out with a whole shit-ton of stuff.
¹⁵ You don’t have to worry about that, though. You’ll die peacefully as an old man.
¹⁶ After four generations, your descendants will come back here, since the Amorites haven’t done enough yet to deserve to be destroyed.”
¹⁷ After the sun set, a smoking firepot and a blazing torch magically appeared and passed between the dead animal pieces.
¹⁸ That was when God sealed a deal with Abram. He said, “I’m gonna give all this land to your descendents, from the Nile to the Euphrates.
¹⁹ In other words, the land where the Kenites, Kenizzites, and Kadmonites currently live.
²⁰ And the Hittites, Perizzites, and Rephaites,
²¹ and the Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites, and Jebusites.”

Genesis 14

¹ When some guy named Amraphel was the king of Babylonia, Arioch was the king of Ellasar, Kedorlaomer was the king of Elam and a dude named Tidal was the king of Goyim,

² they all went to war against Bera (the king of Sodom), Birsha (the king of Gomorrah), Shinab (the king of Admah), Shemeber (the king of Zeboyim), and the king of Bela (whose name we don’t know, but whose kingdom was also called Zoar).

³ All of those guys joined forces in the Valley of Siddim (a.k.a. the Dead Sea Valley).

⁴ For twelve years they’d all been ruled by that Kedorlaomer guy, but in the thirteenth year they were all like, “Eff this,” and rebelled.

⁵ In the fourteenth year, Kedorlaomer his allies ignored this and went out and defeated the Rephaites in Ashteroth Karnaim instead, and then the Zuzites in Ham, the Emites in Shaveh Kiriathaim,
⁶ and the Horites in the hill country of Seir, as far as El Paran near the desert.
⁷ After all that they went back to En Mishpat (a.k.a. Kadesh), and they conquered the whole territory of the Amalekites, as well as the Amorites who were living in Hazezon Tamar.
⁸ That’s when the king of Sodom and all his allies marched out and prepared for battle in the Dead Sea Valley
⁹ against Kedorlaomer and all those guys from verse 1—Four Kings vs. Five Kings.
¹⁰ The Dead Sea Valley was full of tar pits, so when the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah ran away, some of their men fell into them and the rest ran into the hills.
¹¹ The Four Kings took all the stuff of Sodom and Gomorrah and all their food; then they went away.
¹² They also kidnapped Abram’s nephew Lot and took all of his stuff, since he was living in Sodom at the time.
¹³ Some guy who managed to escape came and told all this to Abram the Hebrew. Abram, remember, was living near the great trees of Mamre the Amorite. Mamre and his relatives, Eshkol and Aner, Abram’s allies.
¹⁴ When Abram heard that Lot had been taken captive, he summoned all the trained men who’d been born in his household (318 of them!) and tracked down the kidnappers to a place called Dan.
¹⁵ During the night, Abram divided his men and attacked. He routed the kidnappers, and chased them all the way to Hobah, north of Damascus.
¹⁶ He recovered all the goods, and brought back his relative Lot (and all his stuff), plus the women and all the other people.
¹⁷ After Abram came back from defeating Kedorlaomer his allies, the king of Sodom came out to meet him in the Valley of Shaveh (a.k.a. the King’s Valley).
¹⁸ Then the king of Salem, Melchizedek, brought out some bread and wine. He was priest of God,
¹⁹ and he blessed Abram, saying:

“Blessed be Abram by our awesome God,
    who created everything everywhere.
²⁰ Also praise be to our awesome God,

    who laid your enemies out on a silver platter for you.”

Then Abram gave Melchizedek one tenth of the stuff he’d recovered.

²¹ Then Bera, the king of Sodom, said to Abram, “Let me have my people and you can keep the rest of the stuff.”
²² But Abram said, “I raised my hand and sword to God,
²³ that I would never take any of your stuff, not even a thread or a sandal strap, so you’ll never be able to say, ‘I made Abram rich.’
²⁴ I won’t take anything except what my men have already eaten, and the spoils that belong to Aner, Eshkol, and Mamre. Let them have their share.”