Genesis 15

¹After all this, Abram heard God’s voice in a dream:

“Don’t freak out, Abram. I’ll protect you and shower you with riches.”

² But Abram was like, “God, what can you give me since I still don’t have any kids and that guy Eliezer of Damascus is set to get all of my stuff when I die?”

³  He was all, “You didn’t give me any kids, so I have to settle for one of my servants as my heir.”

⁴ Then God was like: “This dude’s not gonna be your heir; you’ll have a son who’ll be your heir.”
⁵ God took Abram outside and said, “Look up at the sky and try to count all the stars. That’s how many descendants you’re going to have.”
⁶ Abram believed God, so God figured he must be righteous.
⁷ Then God said, “I’m God. You know, the one who brought you out of Ur so I could give you all this land.”
⁸  Abram said, “But God, how can I know that I really will get it?”
⁹ So God said, “Go get me a heifer, a goat, and a ram. Make sure they’re each three years old. Also, bring a turtledove and a young pigeon.”
¹⁰ Abram brought him these animals, then killed them, then cut them in half, then put the halves side by side. He didn’t cut the birds, though.
¹¹ Some vultures and shit came down to eat the dead animals, but Abram chased them away.
¹² As the sun was setting, Abram conked out into a deep sleep, and a horrible darkness came over him.
¹³ Then God told him, “Just so you know: for four hundred years your descendants will be strangers in a foreign country, and they’ll be enslaved and treated like shit.
¹⁴ Don’t worry though; I’ll punish the whole nation that they’re slaves in, and afterward they’ll come out with a whole shit-ton of stuff.
¹⁵ You don’t have to worry about that, though. You’ll die peacefully as an old man.
¹⁶ After four generations, your descendants will come back here, since the Amorites haven’t done enough yet to deserve to be destroyed.”
¹⁷ After the sun set, a smoking firepot and a blazing torch magically appeared and passed between the dead animal pieces.
¹⁸ That was when God sealed a deal with Abram. He said, “I’m gonna give all this land to your descendents, from the Nile to the Euphrates.
¹⁹ In other words, the land where the Kenites, Kenizzites, and Kadmonites currently live.
²⁰ And the Hittites, Perizzites, and Rephaites,
²¹ and the Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites, and Jebusites.”