1 Later on, God fucked with Abraham to see just how much he
would do if God told him to. He was all, “Yo, Abraham!”
“Here I am,” said Abe.
2 Then God was like, “I want you
to take Isaac – you know, your only son, ‘cuz I know you love him
– and go to the region of Moriah. Then I want you to kill him and
burn his body for me on a mountain. I’ll show you where.”
3 So early the next morning Abraham
got up and loaded his donkey, because he was all perfectly okay with
this. He took along two of his servants as well as Isaac. He made
sure to chop enough wood to burn his son’s body properly, and then
he set out for the place God had told him about.
4 After three days, Abraham looked
up and saw the place in the distance.
5 He told his servants, “Stay here
with the donkey while Isaac and I go over there. We’ll pray for a
while and then come back.”
6 Abraham took the wood to burn
Isaac and made Isaac carry it, while he brought along the fire and
the murder knife. As they were walking,
7 Isaac turned to Abraham. “Hey,
Dad?”
“Yeah, son?”
“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the
lamb for the burnt offering?”
8 Abraham just said, “God is going
to give us a lamb to burn for him; don’t worry about it.” And the
two of them kept walking.
9 When they finally got to the place
God told him about, Abraham built an altar set up the wood on it.
Then he tied Isaac up and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood.
10 Then he pulled out his knife to
murder his son.
11 But just then, God had an angel
yell down, “Hey, Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” said Abe, presumably still holding the knife over
his son.
12 “Don’t touch Isaac,” the
angel said. “Don’t do anything to him. Now I know you’re so
afraid of God you’ll do literally anything I say, because you were
seriously going to murder your son just now.”
13 Abraham looked up saw a ram stuck
in a thicket. He went over and killed it, then burned it for God
instead of his son.
14 So Abraham decided the call the
place Yahweh-Yireh, which
means “God will provide”. They even made a proverb out of
it: “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”
15 Then God’s angel called down to
Abraham again.
16 It said, “’I swear to me,’
says God, ‘because you were totally gonna kill your son for me,
17 I’m gonna bless you and make
sure you have as many descendants as there are stars in the sky and
grains of sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take their
enemies’ cities,
18 and through your them every
nation on earth will be blessed, because you did what I told you.’”
19 Then Abraham went back to his
servants, and they set off together for Beersheba. And Abraham stayed
in Beersheba.
20 Some time later, Abraham was told, “Some chick named
Milkah had some kids with your brother Nahor. Eight sons, in fact:
21 Uz is the oldest, then Buz, then
Kemuel (he has a son named Aram),
22 Kesed is next, then Hazo,
Pildash, Jidlaph and Bethuel.”
23 Bethuel later had a daughter
named Rebekah. These were the eight sons of Milkah and Nahor.
24 Nahor’s concubine, Reumah, also
had sons: Tebah, Gaham, Tahash and Maakah.
