Genesis 22

1 Later on, God fucked with Abraham to see just how much he would do if God told him to. He was all, “Yo, Abraham!”
“Here I am,” said Abe.
2 Then God was like, “I want you to take Isaac – you know, your only son, ‘cuz I know you love him – and go to the region of Moriah. Then I want you to kill him and burn his body for me on a mountain. I’ll show you where.”
3 So early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey, because he was all perfectly okay with this. He took along two of his servants as well as Isaac. He made sure to chop enough wood to burn his son’s body properly, and then he set out for the place God had told him about.
4 After three days, Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance.
5 He told his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while Isaac and I go over there. We’ll pray for a while and then come back.”
6 Abraham took the wood to burn Isaac and made Isaac carry it, while he brought along the fire and the murder knife. As they were walking,
7 Isaac turned to Abraham. “Hey, Dad?”
“Yeah, son?”
“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”
8 Abraham just said, “God is going to give us a lamb to burn for him; don’t worry about it.” And the two of them kept walking.
9 When they finally got to the place God told him about, Abraham built an altar set up the wood on it. Then he tied Isaac up and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood.
10 Then he pulled out his knife to murder his son.
11 But just then, God had an angel yell down, “Hey, Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” said Abe, presumably still holding the knife over his son.
12 “Don’t touch Isaac,” the angel said. “Don’t do anything to him. Now I know you’re so afraid of God you’ll do literally anything I say, because you were seriously going to murder your son just now.”
13 Abraham looked up saw a ram stuck in a thicket. He went over and killed it, then burned it for God instead of his son.
14 So Abraham decided the call the place Yahweh-Yireh, which means “God will provide”. They even made a proverb out of it: “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”
15 Then God’s angel called down to Abraham again.
16 It said, “’I swear to me,’ says God, ‘because you were totally gonna kill your son for me,
17 I’m gonna bless you and make sure you have as many descendants as there are stars in the sky and grains of sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take their enemies’ cities,
18 and through your them every nation on earth will be blessed, because you did what I told you.’”
19 Then Abraham went back to his servants, and they set off together for Beersheba. And Abraham stayed in Beersheba.
20 Some time later, Abraham was told, “Some chick named Milkah had some kids with your brother Nahor. Eight sons, in fact:
21 Uz is the oldest, then Buz, then Kemuel (he has a son named Aram),
22 Kesed is next, then Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph and Bethuel.”
23 Bethuel later had a daughter named Rebekah. These were the eight sons of Milkah and Nahor.
24 Nahor’s concubine, Reumah, also had sons: Tebah, Gaham, Tahash and Maakah.