Genesis 2

1 That’s how everything was made.  

2 On day seven God was finished, so He took a break.  

3 Because it was his day off, God decided to make the seventh day holy forever.  

4 This is totally what happened when everything was created. When God made the earth and the heavens -- 

5 and there weren’t any plants yet or even shrubs, since God hadn’t made rain yet and there weren’t any people to plow,  

6 but water shot out of the ground instead and got everywhere --  

7 God made a dude out of dirt and breathed life into his nose, and suddenly the guy was alive.  

8 He sent the guy to his garden in the East called Eden.  

9 God made all kinds of trees grow there—they were pretty and grew food. In the middle of the garden there was a tree of life, and a tree that would allow you to understand right and wrong.  

10 A river flowed out of the garden and split into four parts. 

11 The first is the Pishon; it goes through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold. 

12 (Gold is awesome; aromatic resin and onyx are also there.) 

13 The second river is the Gihon; it goes through the entire land of Cush.  

14 The third river is the Tigris; it runs along the east side of Asshur. And the fourth river is the Euphrates. 

15 God put the dude he made in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 

16 He said, "You can eat anything you want;  

17 except the fruit on the tree that would allow you to understand that disobeying me is wrong, because if you do you’ll die."  

18 Then God said, "Dude seems lonely. I’ll make something to help him out." 

19 God made a bunch of animals and birds and stuff. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever random gibberish popped out of the man’s mouth for each one, that was its name.  

20 So the man pulled names out of his ass for all the birds and animals. None of them were good for helping him, though. 

21 So God knocked the man out; and while he was sleeping, he yanked one of the man's ribs out and patched up the hole.  

22 Then God turned the rib into a chick, and he brought her to the man. 

23 The man said, "She’s made of the same stuff as me; I’ll call her a 'woman, ' since that’s somehow derivative of ‘man’ or whatever."  

24 This is why dudes leave their parents and join with their wives, or something.  

25 Both of them were buck-ass naked, and they saw nothing wrong with that.

Genesis 1

1 In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. 2 At that time, there was nothing; only water existed but no light, and God’s spirit kind of floated over everything. 3 At some point, God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 God thought the light was pretty cool, so he made sure it was distinctly different from darkness (i.e. no light). 5 He called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." Where they met and mixed, it was called “morning” and “evening”, and that was the first full “day”. 6 Then God said, "We shouldn’t have all the water in one place." 7 So God made air and stuff, and put some water in the sky as clouds and shit. 8 God called this middle part "sky." Light and dark switched again and it was the second day. 9 Then God said, "Let’s get all this ground water in one place so we can have some dry land or whatever." Boom. Done. 10 God just called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God thought this was pretty cool so far. 11 Then God said, "Let’s get some plants up in this place. We’re gonna need grains and trees with fruit and whole bunch of other shit, and they need to have seeds so they can reproduce. I can’t be going around making new ones from scratch all the time.” Boom. Done. 12 Plants grew all over the place, and they made seeds that made more plants just like them. God thought that was pretty sweet. 13 That was day three. 14 Then God said, “This abstract switching from light to dark is getting confusing. Let’s gather that shit up too. Maybe we can even measure time with it.” 15 “Plus,” He continued “Some of that light can even come down to Earth maybe” Boom. Done. 16 God made two big lights—a huge one for the day and a smaller one for night, because total darkness can suck it. Oh, and some stars and shit. 17 He put them up in the sky so the whole Earth could see them, 18 and so the difference between night and day was obvious. God looked at it and decided it was a great idea. 19 That was day four. 20 Next God said, "Let’s get some fish and birds going. Fish in the sea, birds in the sky.” 21 So God created a whole bunch of fish and other weird things to live in the oceans, and a bunch of birds. He made sure that each type could reproduce itself. And God thought the whole thing was pretty damn awesome. 22 God blessed them and said, "Start bangin’. Fill that place up." 23 That was day five. 24 Then God said, "Let’s get some land animals, too." I think you know where this is going. 25 God made a shit ton of things to live on land, like bugs and animals and stuff, and let each kind reproduce itself. He liked them. 26 Then God said, “Okay, we need one more thing to rule over all these other things. Better make it look like me." 27 So God created people that looked just like him – male and female, obviously. 28 God blessed them and said to them, "Start bangin’. When you have enough kids, you guys are in charge of all the other stuff I made. On the Earth, anyway.” 29 Then God said, "See all those seeds and fruits? You can eat those. 30 And all the bugs and animals and whatnot can eat the other parts of the plants." And it was so. 31 God looked at everything he made, was quite pleased with himself, and gave himself a high five. That was day six.