Genesis 1

1 In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. 2 At that time, there was nothing; only water existed but no light, and God’s spirit kind of floated over everything. 3 At some point, God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 God thought the light was pretty cool, so he made sure it was distinctly different from darkness (i.e. no light). 5 He called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." Where they met and mixed, it was called “morning” and “evening”, and that was the first full “day”. 6 Then God said, "We shouldn’t have all the water in one place." 7 So God made air and stuff, and put some water in the sky as clouds and shit. 8 God called this middle part "sky." Light and dark switched again and it was the second day. 9 Then God said, "Let’s get all this ground water in one place so we can have some dry land or whatever." Boom. Done. 10 God just called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God thought this was pretty cool so far. 11 Then God said, "Let’s get some plants up in this place. We’re gonna need grains and trees with fruit and whole bunch of other shit, and they need to have seeds so they can reproduce. I can’t be going around making new ones from scratch all the time.” Boom. Done. 12 Plants grew all over the place, and they made seeds that made more plants just like them. God thought that was pretty sweet. 13 That was day three. 14 Then God said, “This abstract switching from light to dark is getting confusing. Let’s gather that shit up too. Maybe we can even measure time with it.” 15 “Plus,” He continued “Some of that light can even come down to Earth maybe” Boom. Done. 16 God made two big lights—a huge one for the day and a smaller one for night, because total darkness can suck it. Oh, and some stars and shit. 17 He put them up in the sky so the whole Earth could see them, 18 and so the difference between night and day was obvious. God looked at it and decided it was a great idea. 19 That was day four. 20 Next God said, "Let’s get some fish and birds going. Fish in the sea, birds in the sky.” 21 So God created a whole bunch of fish and other weird things to live in the oceans, and a bunch of birds. He made sure that each type could reproduce itself. And God thought the whole thing was pretty damn awesome. 22 God blessed them and said, "Start bangin’. Fill that place up." 23 That was day five. 24 Then God said, "Let’s get some land animals, too." I think you know where this is going. 25 God made a shit ton of things to live on land, like bugs and animals and stuff, and let each kind reproduce itself. He liked them. 26 Then God said, “Okay, we need one more thing to rule over all these other things. Better make it look like me." 27 So God created people that looked just like him – male and female, obviously. 28 God blessed them and said to them, "Start bangin’. When you have enough kids, you guys are in charge of all the other stuff I made. On the Earth, anyway.” 29 Then God said, "See all those seeds and fruits? You can eat those. 30 And all the bugs and animals and whatnot can eat the other parts of the plants." And it was so. 31 God looked at everything he made, was quite pleased with himself, and gave himself a high five. That was day six.