Genesis 2

1 That’s how everything was made.  

2 On day seven God was finished, so He took a break.  

3 Because it was his day off, God decided to make the seventh day holy forever.  

4 This is totally what happened when everything was created. When God made the earth and the heavens -- 

5 and there weren’t any plants yet or even shrubs, since God hadn’t made rain yet and there weren’t any people to plow,  

6 but water shot out of the ground instead and got everywhere --  

7 God made a dude out of dirt and breathed life into his nose, and suddenly the guy was alive.  

8 He sent the guy to his garden in the East called Eden.  

9 God made all kinds of trees grow there—they were pretty and grew food. In the middle of the garden there was a tree of life, and a tree that would allow you to understand right and wrong.  

10 A river flowed out of the garden and split into four parts. 

11 The first is the Pishon; it goes through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold. 

12 (Gold is awesome; aromatic resin and onyx are also there.) 

13 The second river is the Gihon; it goes through the entire land of Cush.  

14 The third river is the Tigris; it runs along the east side of Asshur. And the fourth river is the Euphrates. 

15 God put the dude he made in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 

16 He said, "You can eat anything you want;  

17 except the fruit on the tree that would allow you to understand that disobeying me is wrong, because if you do you’ll die."  

18 Then God said, "Dude seems lonely. I’ll make something to help him out." 

19 God made a bunch of animals and birds and stuff. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever random gibberish popped out of the man’s mouth for each one, that was its name.  

20 So the man pulled names out of his ass for all the birds and animals. None of them were good for helping him, though. 

21 So God knocked the man out; and while he was sleeping, he yanked one of the man's ribs out and patched up the hole.  

22 Then God turned the rib into a chick, and he brought her to the man. 

23 The man said, "She’s made of the same stuff as me; I’ll call her a 'woman, ' since that’s somehow derivative of ‘man’ or whatever."  

24 This is why dudes leave their parents and join with their wives, or something.  

25 Both of them were buck-ass naked, and they saw nothing wrong with that.