Genesis 3

¹ More so than any other animal, the snake was a crafty little fucker. He said to the woman, “Hey, did God seriously tell you guys not to eat any of the fruit on these trees?”

² She said, “We can eat whatever we want

³ But but God told us we’d die if we ate the fruit on the tree in the middle of the garden.”

⁴ The snake said, “That’s bullshit.

⁵ God knows that if you eat that stuff, you’ll know right from wrong and be just like him, and he doesn’t want that.”

⁶ When the woman saw that the tree was pretty and grew food and could make her smart, she took some fruit and ate it, and she gave some to her husband too.

⁷ Then they were enlightened or some shit, and suddenly felt like being naked was wrong; they covered themselves with leaves like in cartoons.

⁸ Then they heard God walking around talking to himself, and they hid in the trees.

⁹ God yelled out, “Dude, where are you?”

¹⁰ The man said, “I heard you coming and hid because I’m freaking naked.”

¹¹ God asked, “How did you find out you were naked? Did someone tell you? You ate the fruit from that tree I told you not to eat, didn’t you?”

¹² The man said, “That chick you made for me gave me some and I ate it.”

¹³ God said to the woman, “What the fuck did you do?”  and she answered, “That snake tricked me and I ate some.”

¹⁴ God said to the snake, “You’ll pay for that, you little shit. I curse you above every other animal, and you have to crawl around on your belly and eat dirt for the rest of your life.

 ¹⁵ And I’ll make sure you and she hate each other, and your descendants will hate each other too, and they’ll hit you on the head and you’ll bite their feet.”

 ¹⁶ To the woman he said, “I’m gonna give you labor pains that’ll make it hurt like hell when you give birth. Also, you’re gonna wanna bang your husband, and you’ll have to do whatever he tells you.”

¹⁷ To the man he said, “Since you listened to your wife and ate the fruit I told you not to eat, I’m cursing the ground because of you. You’ll have to work really hard to get food from it for the rest of your life.

¹⁸ It’ll grow thorns and thistles for you, and you’ll have to eat grains and plants and stuff.

⁹ You’ll sweat your ass off for food to eat until you go back in the ground, because you came from the ground; you’re made of dust and you’ll go back to being dust.”

²⁰ Then the man, who was named Adam I guess, named his wife Eve, because she’d become the mother of everyone alive.

²¹ God made the two of them some coats out skin to wear.

²² Then God said, “Check it out, now this dude’s like one of us cuz he knows good and evil and stuff. Shit, if he reaches out and eats from the tree of life, he’ll live forever!”

²³ So God kicked them out of Eden, where they’d have to work the land they were made out of.

²⁴ After they were gone, he sent some Cherubim to guard the east side of the garden, and put a flaming sword that spun around in midair in front of the tree of life.