Genesis 12

¹ God said to Abram, “Leave your home, your family and your father’s lands, and go to some place I’m going to show you.

² “I’ll make your descendants into a great nation, and I’ll bless you; I’ll make you super famous, and everyone will think you’re awesomely #blessed.

³ If people bless you, I’ll bless them, and if they curse you I’ll curse them; and other people will bless each other using your name.”

⁴ So Abram went, just like God told him to, and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he left Harran.

⁵ He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, and everything they owned, and they went to Canaan.

⁶ Abram went as far as the great tree of Moreh at Shechem. Canaanites were living around there at the time.

⁷ God showed up and was like, “See all this land? I’mma give it to your descendants.” So Abram built an altar to God right there.

⁸ After that, Abram went south into the hill country, and set up camp in a spot between Bethel in the west and Ai in the east. He built another altar there for God, and worshipped God at it.

⁹ Then Abram started moving south again toward the Negev.

¹⁰ Around this time there was a famine in that area, so Abram went down to live in Egypt for a while because the famine was so bad.

¹¹ Just before they got to Egypt, Abram said to his wife Sarai, “Listen, you’re really hot.

¹² When the Egyptians see you, they’ll be all like, ‘That babe must be his wife.’ Then they’ll kill me but will let you live so they can have you for themselves.

¹³ Tell them you’re my sister, so they’ll treat me well in order to impress you and I won’t die.”

¹⁴ When Abram got to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that Sarai was super hot.

¹⁵ And when the Pharaoh’s officials saw her, they told him how insanely hot she was, and brought her to his palace.

¹⁶ He gave Abram lots of stuff in order to impress Sarai, and Abram got a bunch of sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, male and female servants, and some camels.

¹⁷ But God sent a plague to the Pharaoh’s household because Sarai was actually Abram’s wife.

¹⁸ The Pharaoh called for Abram and was all like, “What the hell did you do to me? Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife?

¹⁹ Why did you say, ‘She’s my sister,’ so that I’d marry her myself? Seriously, take your wife and GTFO!”

²⁰ Then the Pharaoh told his men to let Abram go, but to make sure he left. He and Sarai took off with all the stuff he’d gotten.

Genesis 11

¹ At this time, everyone everywhere spoke the same language.

² As people moved east, they found a nice plain in Babylonia and decided to live there.

³ They came up with an idea and said, “Hey, let’s bake us some nice bricks.” They built with bricks instead of stone, and they used tar for mortar.

⁴ Then they said, “Let’s build ourselves a city, and we’ll have a huge tower that goes up to the sky, so we’ll be super famous; if we don’t we might end up being split up and spread out all over the world.”

⁵ But then God came down to see the city look at the tower they were building.

⁶ He was all, “If they’re able to do this because they all work together and speak the same language, then they’ll be able to do anything they put their minds to.

⁷ I’d better go down there and mess up their language so they won’t be able to understand each other anymore.”

⁸ So God forced them to scatter all over the world, and they stopped building the city.

⁹ That’s why the city was called Babylon – get it? “Babble”? – because that’s where God gave everyone different languages. Also it’s where they were when he made them spread out over the world.

¹⁰ Up next is Shem’s family line. Two years after the flood, when Shem was 100, a boy was born to his line named Arphaxad.

¹¹ And Arphaxad was born, Shem lived another 500 years and had even more offspring.

¹² When Arphaxad was 35, he had a son named Cainan.

¹³ After Cainan was born, Arphaxad lived another 430 years and had more kids, and then he died. When Cainan was 130, a boy was born to his line named Shelah. After that, Cainan lived another 330 years and had more kids.

¹⁴ When Shelah was 30, he had a son named Eber.

¹⁵ After Eber, Shelah lived another 403 years and had more kids.

¹⁶ When Eber was 34 years, he had a sond named Peleg (a.k.a. Division).

¹⁷ After Peleg was born, Eber lived another 430 years and had more kids.

¹⁸ When Peleg was 30, he had a son named Reu.

¹⁹ After that, Peleg lived another 209 years and had more kids.

²⁰ When Reu was 32, he had a son namde Serug.

²¹ After Serug was born, Reu lived another 207 years and had more kids.

²² When Serug was 30, he had a son namde Nahor.

²³ After that, Serug lived another 200 years and had more kids.

²⁴ When Nahor was 29, he had a son named Terah.

²⁵ After that, Nahor lived another 119 years and had more kids.

²⁶ When Terah was 70, he had three sons named Abram, Nahor, and Haran.

²⁷ Up next is Terah’s family line. Terah had descendants named Abram, Nahor, and Haran. And Haran had a son named Lot.

²⁸ While Terah was still alive, Haran died in Ur (where the Chaldeans lived), where he was born.

²⁹ Abram and Nahor both got married. Abram’s wife was a chick named Sarai, and Nahor’s wife was some girl named Milkah; her dad was Haran, who also had a daughter named Iskah.

³⁰ Sarai didn’t have any kids because she was barren.

³¹ Terah took Abram, Lot, and Sarai, and they left Ur to go to Canaan, but they stopped when they got to Harran and decided to live there.

³² Terah lived in Harran until he was 205, and then he died.

Genesis 10

¹ This is the story of Shem, Ham and Japheth, Noah’s sons. They had their own sons after the flood.

² The male descendants of Japheth were: Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshek, and Tiras.

³ The male descendants of Gomer were: Ashkenaz, Riphath, and Togarmah.

⁴ The male descendants of Javan were: Elishah, Tarshish, the Kittites, and the Rodanites.

⁵ (From these guys, the seafaring folk spread out into their own territories with their own clans within each nation, and they all had their own language.)

⁶ The male descendants of Ham were: Cush, Egypt, Put, and Canaan.

⁷ The male descendants of Cush were: Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, and Sabteka. The male descendants of Raamah were Sheba and Dedan.

⁸ Cush had a descendant named Nimrod, who became a mighty warrior.

⁹ He was the greatest hunter on God’s green earth; that’s where we get the saying, “Like Nimrod, the greatest hunter on God’s green earth.”

¹⁰ He built the cities of Babylon, Uruk, Akkad and Kalneh, in Babylonia.

¹¹ From there he went to Assyria, where he built Nineveh, with all its great city streets, Calah,

¹² and Resen, the great city between Nineveh and Calah.

¹³ Egypt’s descendants were the Ludites, the Anamites, the Lehabites, the Naphtuhites,

^14 the Pathrusites, the Kasluhites (ancestors of the Philistines) and the Caphtorites.

¹⁵ Canaan’s descendants were first the Sidonians, and later the Hittites,

^16 the Jebusites, the Amorites, the Girgashites,

¹⁷ the Hivites, the Arkites, the Sinites,

¹⁸ the Arvadites, the Zemarites, and the Hamathites. Later on the Canaanite clans scattered all over,

¹⁹ and they lived all over the place from Sidon and Gerar in the north all the way to Gaza in the south, and east out to places like Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah and Zeboyim, and even Lasha.

²⁰ These guys were all descendants of Ham, broken up by clan and what language they spoke, and where they lived.

²¹ Shem also had male descendants, (he was Japheth’s older brother, remember); all the people of Eber came from him.

²² Shem’s male descendants were: Elam, Ashur, Arphaxad, Lud, and Aram.

²³ Aram’s male descendants were: Uz, Hul, Gether, and Meshek.

²⁴ Arphaxad had a kid named Cainan, who had a kid named Shelah, who had a kid named Eber.

²⁵ Eber had two sons: One was named Division (a.k.a. Peleg), because during his lifetime people were divided into different groups; he had a brother named Joktan.

²⁶ Joktan’s male descendants were Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah,

²⁷ Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah,

²⁸ Obal, Abimael, Sheba,

²⁹ Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab. All these guys were descendants of Joktan.

³⁰ The area where they lived went from Mesha to around Sephar, in the eastern hill country.

³¹ These are all the descendants of Shem based on their clans and languages, the areas where they lived.

³² This was a list of all the clans of Noah’s descendants, based on which of his sons they came from, and each of their nations that was built up. From these clans all the nations in the world sprang up and spread out all over the world.

Genesis 9

¹ Then God blessed Noah and his sons, and told them, “Go have sex with your wives and have lots of babies to repopulate the world with.

² Every animal and bird and bug and fish in the world will be afraid of you; you’re in charge of them now.

³ Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just like I gave you plants to eat before, you now have permission to eat everything else.

⁴ Just don’t eat anything that’s alive or still has blood in it.

⁵ And I’m setting a blood price on you, too. This goes for every animal and every person – if they kill a human, then they have to die.

⁶ Anyone who kills a person needs to be killed by another person, since God made people to look like himself.

⁷ Now go and have sex, have lots of babies, and repopulate the earth.”

⁸ Then God said to Noah and his sons:

⁹ “I’m gonna make a promise with you guys now, and all your descendants too.

¹⁰ Also with all the animals and birds and whatnot that came out of the giant box with you. Basically every living thing on earth.

¹¹ I swear to Me: I won’t ever kill everything and destroy the whole world with a flood ever again. For realsies.”

¹² Then God said, “Check it out, this’ll be the sign of my promise to you and everything alive for generations to come:

¹³ I put this rainbow in the clouds as a reminder of my promise to the world.

¹⁴ Whenever I make clouds in the sky and a rainbow appears,

¹⁵ I’ll remember my promise to you and every living thing on earth. Never again will I drown everything that’s alive everywhere.

¹⁶ Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I’ll see it and remember that I made a promise to all life everywhere.”

¹⁷ So God said to Noah, “This rainbow is the sign of the promise I made to you and every other living thing.”

¹⁸ The sons of Noah who came out of the giant box were Shem, Ham and Japheth. (Ham was the father of Canaan.)

¹⁹ These were Noah’s sons, and their descendants became all the people to live all over the world.

²⁰ Noah, a farmer, planted a vineyard.

²¹ When he drank some of its wine, he got shitfaced and passed out naked in his tent.

²² Ham, Canaan’s father, saw Noah naked and told his brothers.

²³ But Shem and Japheth took a robe and put it over their shoulders; then they walked in backward and covered Noah’s naked body. They turned away so they wouldn’t see their dad’s old man balls.

²⁴ When Noah woke up found out what his youngest son Ham did,

²⁵ he said, “Canaan is cursed now! He’ll be a lowly slave to his relatives.”

²⁶ He also said, “Praise be to the Lord, the Shem’s God! Canaan will be Shem’s slave!

²⁷ May God give Japheth lots of cool stuff! Japheth will live in Shem’s tents, and Canaan will be his slave too.”

²⁸ After the flood Noah lived for 350 more years.

²⁹ Noah lived to be 950, and then he died.