1 Then God blessed Noah and his sons, and told them, “Go
have sex with your wives and have lots of babies to repopulate the world with.
2 Every animal and bird and bug and fish in the world will be
afraid of you; you’re in charge of them now.
3 Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just
like I gave you plants to eat before, you now have permission to eat everything
else.
4 Just don’t eat anything that’s alive or still has blood in
it.
5 And I’m setting a blood price on you, too. This goes for
every animal and every person – if they kill a human, then they have to die.
6 Anyone who kills a person needs to be killed by another
person, since God made people to look like himself.
7 Now go and have sex, have lots of babies, and repopulate the
earth.”
8 Then God said to Noah and his sons:
9 “I’m gonna make a promise with you guys now, and all your
descendants too.
10 Also with all the animals and birds and whatnot that came
out of the giant box with you. Basically every living thing on earth.
11 I swear to Me: I won’t ever kill everything and destroy the
whole world with a flood ever again. For realsies.”
12 Then God said, “Check it out, this’ll be the sign of my
promise to you and everything alive for generations to come:
13 I put this rainbow in the clouds as a reminder of my promise
to the world.
14 Whenever I make clouds in the sky and a rainbow appears,
15 I’ll remember my promise to you and every living thing on
earth. Never again will I drown everything that’s alive everywhere.
16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I’ll see it and
remember that I made a promise to all life everywhere.”
17 So God said to Noah, “This rainbow is the sign of the promise
I made to you and every other living thing.”
18 The sons of Noah who came out of the giant box were Shem,
Ham and Japheth. (Ham was the father of Canaan.)
19 These were Noah’s sons, and their descendants became all the
people to live all over the world.
20 Noah, a farmer, planted a vineyard.
21 When he drank some of its wine, he got shitfaced and passed
out naked in his tent.
22 Ham, Canaan’s father, saw Noah naked and told his brothers.
23 But Shem and Japheth took a robe and put it over their
shoulders; then they walked in backward and covered Noah’s naked body. They
turned away so they wouldn’t see their dad’s old man balls.
24 When Noah woke up found out what his youngest son Ham did,
25 he said, “Canaan is cursed now! He’ll be a lowly slave to
his relatives.”
26 He also said, “Praise be to the Lord, the Shem’s God! Canaan will be Shem’s slave!
27 May God give Japheth lots of cool stuff! Japheth will
live in Shem’s tents, and Canaan will be his slave too.”
28 After the flood Noah lived for 350 more years.
29 Noah lived to be 950, and then he died.
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