Genesis 6

¹ When the human population started going up and people had daughters,

² some of God’s sons saw that the human women were hot, and they went down and abducted/married the ones they liked best.

³ Then God said, “My Spirit won’t hang around in humans forever, since they’re just puny fleshmeat; they’ll only live for 120 years or so.”

⁴ The Nephilim were around in those days—and later—when the sons of God boned human women and had children by them. They were the old heroes and warriors of legend and stuff.

⁵ God saw what total dicks everyone had become, and that everything they thought about or imagined was creepy and evil.

⁶ God regretted making humans, and he felt super sad – heartbroken, even.

⁷ So the Lord said, “I’m going to kill all those humans I made—and all the animals and other things with them—I wish I’d never made them in the first place.”

⁸ However, he decided Noah alone didn’t piss him off.

⁹ Now let’s talk about Noah and his family. Noah was a good man, the only one alive to never do anything wrong, and he hung out with God a lot.

¹⁰ Noah had three sons: Shem, Ham and Japheth.

¹¹ As far as God was concerned, the whole earth was ruined and full of violence.

¹² He saw how fucked up the earth had become, because everyone on it was all corrupt and evil and shit.

¹³ So God said to Noah, “Just a heads up: I’m going to kill everyone and everything, because they’ve ruined the world with their violent dipshittery. I’m gonna destroy the earth with them.

¹⁴ So make a giant floating box of out of cypress wood; make rooms in it and cover it with pitch on the inside and the outside.

¹⁵ Make it like this: 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high.

¹⁶ Make a roof, and leave a crawl space of 18 inches all around. Put a door on the side and have a lower, a middle and an upper deck.

¹⁷ I’m going to flood the earth and drown everything that breathes. Every living thing on earth will die.

¹⁸ But I’ll make a deal with you: go into the giant box—take your wife, your sons, and their wives with you.

¹⁹ Also take two of every living thing, male and female, and make sure they don’t die.

²⁰ Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal, and of every kind of creepy crawly thing will come to you to be kept alive.

²¹ Take every kind of food that exists and store it on board for you and the animals to eat.”

²² Noah did everything exactly like God told him to.