Genesis 19

¹ Those other two guys (who were angels) arrived at Sodom in the evening. Lot was sitting at the city gate, and when he saw them, he got up to meet them and then bowed all the way to the ground.

² “My lords,” he said, “please come to my house; I’m at your service. You can wash your feet and spend the night and then go about your business early in the morning.”

“No,” they said, “we ‘re gonna sleep out in the square.”

³ Lot wouldn’t let it go however, and in the end they agreed to go to his house. He made them some dinner, including bread with no yeast, and they ate.

⁴ Before they went to bed, every man from the entire freaking city of Sodom —both young and old — surrounded the house.

⁵ They yelled in to Lot, “Where are the dudes you’ve got staying with you? Bring them out here so we can have sex with them!”

⁶ Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him.

⁷ He was all, “Come on guys, don’t do that; that’s just wrong.

⁸ Check it out, all right? I’ve got two virgin daughters in here. How’s about I bring them out here and you can do whatever you want to them? But seriously, don’t do anything to these men; they’re my guests and they’re under my protection.”

⁹ “Get out of our way,” they replied. “You believe this guy? He’s not even from here and he thinks he can tell us what to do! Now you’ll get it even worse than those other two.” They closed in on Lot and went to break down his door.

¹⁰ Just then, the angels reached out and pulled Lot back into the house and locked the door.

¹¹ Then they blinded all the men (young and old) outside, who were then just kind of stumbing around trying to find the door.

¹² The angels said to Lot, “If you’ve got any other family around here – sons, daughters, sons-in-law, whatever – get ‘em the hell out,

¹³ because we’re going to destroy the shit out of this place. Everyone keeps telling God what a horrible shithole this is that he sent us to burn it down.”

¹⁴ So Lot went and talked to his future sons-in-law. He was like, “Hurry up and get out of here, because God’s about to blow this whole place up!” But his sons-in-law thought he was just screwing with them.

¹⁵ Next morning at dawn, went to Lot and said, “Hurry up! Take wife and daughters and get the hell out, or you’ll be wiped out with everyone else in the city.”

¹⁶ When he hesitated, the angels grabbed him by the hand, and his wife and daughters too, and pulled them out of the city, since God had a soft spot for them.

¹⁷ As soon as they were out, one of angels said, “Run for your lives! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Run into the mountains or you’ll be swept away!”

¹⁸ But Lot was all, “No, God, please!

¹⁹ You’re totally doing me a solid by sparing my life here, and I’m seriously grateful. But I can’t go all the way to the mountains; this disaster will catch up with me, and I’ll die.

²⁰ Look, there’s a little town close by. Can I please go there instead? See how small it is? I should be okay there, right?”

²¹ God said, “Okay fine, you win; I won’t destroy that little town.

²² But hurry up and get over there, because I can’t do anything until you’re safe in there.” (FYI, this is why the town is called Zoar, which means “small”.)

²³ By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun was up.

²⁴ Then God rained down fire and burning sulfur from the sky onto Sodom and Gomorrah.

²⁵ He completely destroyed them, along with all the other towns and villages on the plain, killing everyone who lived there and all the plant life, too.

²⁶ But Lot’s wife turned around to see what was going on, and she turned into a pillar of salt.

²⁷ Early next morning Abraham got up and went back to the place where talked to God the other day.

²⁸ He looked down toward the plain of Sodom and Gomorrah, and he saw huge clouds of smoke rising from the land, like from a furnace.

²⁹ When God destroyed the cities of the plain, he remembered talking to Abraham, which is why Lot and his family were allowed to leave safely.

³⁰ Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and went to live in the mountains, since he was afraid to stay in Zoar. They moved into a cave.

³¹ One day the older daughter said to her sister, “Dad’s getting old, and there aren’t any men around here to knock us up like there is everywhere else.

³² Let’s get dad sauced on wine and then sleep with him so we can keep our family going.”

³³ That night they kept giving him wine, and the older daughter went in boned him. He was so drunk he had no idea what was going on the entire time.

³⁴ The next day the older daughter said to her sister, “Last night I had sex with Dad. Let’s get get him drunk again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him, and we’ll preserve the family for sure.”

³⁵ So they got Lot drunk again, and the younger daughter went in and boned him. Like last time, he was so out of it he had no idea what was happening.

³⁶ So Lot got both of his daughters pregnant.

³⁷ The older daughter had a son named Moab (“from father”). The Moabites descend from him.

³⁸ The younger daughter had a son too, named Bene-Ammon (“son of my father’s people”); the Ammonites come from him.